it's nice to love and be loved, but I'd rather know what God knows.

They all seemed to enjoy it enough, but I never really felt anything. There was no thrill in it, no spark. It was just oh, we are kissing now. And now your hands are moving down my sides. Often I worry that maybe I'm not programmed the right way. Holding hands is nice, hugging can be nice, and a kiss in theory sounds lovely with the right person, though nobody seems to be right. The boys that I have known seem quick to hold hands and to define things, to put labels on them, and to jump into relationships mode, to settle down for the hell of it. To me, the ideal relationship would be a simple one of friendship and laughter with that spark, that fire. Of course I'm being an idealist. 

It seems to me that everything resolved around sex and dating and that if you're not dating, the number one question is why, or the assumption is that you must be dying to jump into a relationship. Given this epiphany, I was watching "The Rat Race" and relishing in the magic that is Tony Curtis. Sure, I had Tony Curtis and a hot plate of pasta, but dating, truly, was what a woman of my age should be doing. That night, I resolved to say yes and to put myself out there.

As if on cue or perhaps as a cosmic joke, I was asked out on a date the very next morning. Ordinarily  I'd have smiled and said perhaps another time, or something along those lines, but nonetheless I said yes, something greatly outside of my comfort zone. That week, I managed to wrangle up three dates with different boys and told myself that I was going to experience single life and dating if it killed me.

Well, now the week is over, and here I am as blasé as ever about the entire thing. Maybe I really am programmed differently than other girls my age, than women in general, but honestly, give me pasta, give me movies, and I'm happy. I don't want to settle down. I'm nearly finished with university, the world is at my fingertips, so why nest? And why is it such a stigma to admit that yes, you are single and no, you aren't looking. At the most, I want to go out and have fun, but it seems like the boys in this town are looking for serious relationships which, in theory sound nice and intense and wonderful, though it seems that the recipients are interchangeable. The general feeling I get is that anyone will do so long as one has somebody, and that isn't enough for me.

I'm going to stop typing now. I feel as though my thoughts are running away from me, and I'm fluttering from topic to topic.

listening to
pawn shop blues, lana del rey