I feel it all.

Lately I've been tugged in so many directions. It seems like everyone has a distinct idea of who I should be, of their ideal version of me. I am trying to know myself, and I seek to come to terms with who I am and what it is that drives me. I seek a greater self awareness as I search within myself. I have begun to face my demons, fears, struggles-- the things I have buried, ignored, or never really seen. I've always felt a darkness within myself, something that I can't really explain. I am a pleasant person; I pride myself on my outwardly sunny disposition. I know what effect I have on others.

Still, on my journey, a lifelong one really, I need to confront my darker self and integrate it into my public self. Too often, I smile and feel as though I'm playing a part in public, and yet at home in the dark, I succumb to broken sobs. I feel like I feel things so extremely, so fully, and while it has its perks that are mainly manifested in my writings, the peaks and valleys are grating and exhausting. I am fully willing to experience and transform these emotions, but I seek to integrate them and stop living two separate lives with two separate selves.

I yearn to fully understand myself and to learn to avoid that crash that comes with the peaks and valleys.

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Listening to: Samson, Regina Spektor